my soulmate (and other great jokes)

wanna hear a joke? i’ve got a good one:
a gryffindor meets a slytherin
and they fall in love.
hint: it’s funny because it doesn’t happen,
but of course i didn’t know any better,
so now every time i see a name starting with the letter C,
i want to drown myself in the sea.
it’s funny how that happens;
how i thought you felt the electricity too,
when in reality,
i was getting struck by lightning
and you just thought it’d be fun
to stick around and watch me die.
it’s funny how that happens;
how gryffindors are supposed to be brave,
yet you’re so afraid of long distance relationships
that you channelled your inner donald trump
and built a wall between us.
hint: it’s funny because it seems like the sorting hat needs to do some reevaluating.
it’s absolutely hilarious;
how you kissed me like
my lips were the shining sun
and you had a vitamin D deficiency,
but as soon as dusk came
you were magically cured
and didn’t care to see the sunrise ever again.
it’s absolutely hilarious;
how you can score a 32 on the ACT
but you weren’t smart enough
to realize i was sitting in front of you the whole time
gathering up the shards of my heart
because you ripped it out of my chest
and threw it at a brick wall
and then acted surprised when i told you it was broken.
no wonder you’re not a ravenclaw.
it’s funny how that happens;
how every time you stepped on me,
i apologized for getting in the way.
it’s funny how that happens;
how i’m a pacifist,
but if i ever saw you again,
i’d probably punch you in the face.
it’s funny how that happens;
how i used to think we were soulmates.
it’s funny how that happens;
how part of me still does.

wanna hear another joke?
a slytherin falls in love with a gryffindor,
the gryffindor leaves the slytherin,
the slytherin deals with it and moves on like a normal person.
hint: it’s funny because it doesn’t happen.